I call myself a truth seeker.
I have always believed that there are observable, absolute truths in the world, and whatever your worldview is, it NEEDs to
1. Not contradict with the ‘truth’
2. Not contradict with ‘itself’
3. Offer an explanation for the ‘truth’
Churched at the age of 12, I had accepted Jesus as my personal saviour soon after, and became one of the many ‘church kid’. I would profess that I am a Christian whenever people asked, but i was not any different from my peers. I’d lie, steal, curse, visit pornographic websites. It was a point that’s best illustrated with soy sauce poured into a coke bottle. From the outside, I may look like the rea thing, but when you get closer, maybe even take a sip, you’ll realize not only was I not the real thing, I was actually something vastly different.
Needless to say, maintaining such as lifestyle was not something I was interested in. In high school, I fell away, using the excuse of taking up weekend jobs.
Fast forward a few years, now I’m in university. What I profess as a Christian are being challenged by the world. It was time to begin seeking ‘truth’.
After a lot of arguing and seeking, I was unable to trust in what I was being taught: that this life, this world, would have came from nothing. And all the laws/truth in the world was just a bunch of randomness. I decided that the Truth lies in the Christian God.
“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities – his eternal power and divine nature – have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse” – Romans 1:20
So this is the point where I started going back to church. This is the stage where I would say I knew God well enough to not be able to enjoy the ‘joys’ of the world, but I also didn’t know Him enough to enjoy the ‘joys’ of a Christian life. So I put on a mask of a ‘good Christian’, but I was flustered. I wanted… MORE.
It was a time when I have returned from a trip to Taiwan that God decided to audibly speak into my life. The funny thing is that it was through Chinese pop music, Terry Lin’s “Had Never Left“.
Part of the lyrics goes something like:
“I gaze upon the mountains, and missed my turn,
suddenly looking back, you are waiting there, and never left.
I look upon the oceans, and missed the flowing river,
When I’m paddling up the stream, you are by my side, pushing me on.
Right here, right now, let us lift up our head and receive the Love descending,
The sunlight had testified that this is all not in vain.
Right here, right now, close your eyes and see it with your heart,
There is a voice, saying that Love had never left.
That was exactly what my journey had been like until that point. I have searched all over for ‘truth’, but really, all I had to do was turn around and look Him in the eyes.
Since then, there had been also many different milestones and lessons (well, that is why I have this blog up, after all). Going from a dedicated member of the fellowship, to co-leading a small group, leading a small group, full dedication of ‘life’ (especially in the area of relationships), rebuilding of relationship with my father, and so on.
The funny thing is that every step of the way, I was convinced that this is it, this is what victorious Christian life is like. Then comes the next step, and the next, and it just keeps going. At every step looking back at the previous… the previous doesn’t look too much like a life of a ‘saved and victorious Christian’
Now I have learned to have faith, even though sometimes I don’t live like a victorious Christian, but I have already attained it, we just have to live up to it (Phil 3:16). In beating my body into submission of my heart (1 Cor. 9:27), understanding that I am not only imperfect, and far from perfection, but I will press on (Phil 3:12). Press on to live a life that is worthy of this magnificent calling (Eph 4:1). To be able to claim “Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ.” (1 Cor 11:1). To boast in nothing but His strength through which I can do anything and everything (Jeremiah 9:24).
THAT is why this blog is called failure of a man… For I am nothing, but in Him there is victory.